meggimoo

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 

Geek or Serial Killer??

I scored 9/10! Apparently my liver is safe...

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz

BY LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF A PERSON, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IF HE IS A COMPUTER GEEK OR A SERIAL KILLER. GO WITH YOUR GUT FEELING AND CLICK ON YOUR CHOICE. THERE ARE 10 PHOTOS. YOUR SCORE WILL BE GIVEN AT THE END.

Friday, March 17, 2006 

RAISING BOYS

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):


1.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.
A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a
Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.
The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.
A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.
Super glue is forever.
13.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.
VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.
The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.
80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.


Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

· For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
· For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
· For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
· For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
· For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control

Thursday, March 16, 2006 

MoneyMoneyMoney

Verily I say unto ye..........
Money
It can buy a house
But not a home
It can buy a clock
But not time
It can buy you a position
But not respect
It can buy you a bed
But not sleep
It can buy you a book
But not knowledge
It can buy you medicine
But not health
It can buy you blood
But not life
So you see money isn't everything
And it often causes pain and suffering
I tell you this because I am your friend
And as your friend I want to
Take away your pain and suffering!!!
So…
Send me all your money
And I will suffer for you

A-M-E-N

Cash only please!
After all, what are friends for anyway, huh??

 

Church Notices

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. Will ladies giving milk, please come early.

Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.  All wishing to become Little Mothers will please meet the Minister in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jackson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

On Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpeting. All wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 

Very funny

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, sh *t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f *cking Coco Pops."

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 

complaint to kotex

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch
of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed
a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate
from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene
products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was
already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the Always brand. Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the shit in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.


Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

 

Welcome to CrushCalculator.com

You have to do this it is pretty cool!  I found out who my real crush was.

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/168525266

 

The original computer

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And if you had a 3 inch floppy

you just hoped nobody ever found out! !

 

Finally we know the answer!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

FACTS
1 Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2 Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.


3 Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.


4 Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5 Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

New store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs. 

The second floor sign reads:  

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

 

Sensitive Men Do Exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.


The woman i
s surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss...
and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?"


The guy says
, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

Friday, March 10, 2006 

TOTALLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT QUICK THOUGHTS TO OFFEND EVERYONE

1) Which sexual position produces

the ugliest children?


Ask your mother.

_________________________________________________________

2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?


Give him a tampon and ask him which period

it came from.

__________________________________________________________

3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?


A whore sleeps with everybody at

the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

__________________________________________________________

4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

 

Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

__________________________________________________________

5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?


 A Catholic wife has real orgasms and

fake jewelry.

__________________________________________________________

6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?


The same urge that makes dogs chase cars

they have no intention of driving.

___________________________________________________________

7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?


No one to talk to during orgasm.

___________________________________________________________

 

8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?


A mechanic.

___________________________________________________________

 

9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?


The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in

each hand and a dozen donuts.

___________________________________________________________

10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?


The one who can eat the last donut.

___________________________________________________________

11) Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.

___________________________________________________________

12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex: "Are you in?"

___________________________________________________________

13) The three words women hate to hear most during sex: "Honey, I'm

home!"

 

 

Bear, Lion and a Chicken

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet..............

 

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

 

Lion says:"If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me"

 

Chicken says: "Big deal, I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"

 

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

 

Jokes

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

****

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

****

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

****

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

****

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: Rumor

****

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.  

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

****

A PRAYER....

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

****

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

****

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

****

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

****

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

****

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

****

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

****

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

****

 

The Photographer

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,  hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma 'am", he said, "I've come to...''  

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

 "Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

 "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped.  Please come in and have a seat."

 After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

 "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor?  No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if  we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.  I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached  I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all  in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.  Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

 "Tripod?"

 "Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in my hand for too long."

 With that, Mrs. Smith fainted...

Thursday, March 09, 2006 

New Maxines

Wednesday, March 08, 2006 

Just what I always wanted to know....

What was the no. 1 song the day you were born??

Discover what was at Number One at any week in the past 60 years at:

http://www.everyhit.com/dates/

 

Really Really Bored?!

www.sudoku.com 

For the sudoku fanatic.   You can find out how to solve the puzzles, connects you to player’s forums, shows you how kids can use the puzzles as learning tools and provides competitions you can enter.   You can play sudoku on your mobile phone, as a 3-dimensional board game and as a computer program – as well as buy the books. WOW!

 

Bored??

www.forbes.com/home/lists/2005/10/25/highest-earning-dead-celebrities_deadceleb05_land.html

From Elvis to Johnny Cash to Marilyn Monroe and John Lennon – all these former stars are in the top ten of the highest earning dead celebrities list according to Forbes magazine.   They also tell you who used to be in the top ten and who are waiting in the wings to be included in the top ten.   Fascinating stuff!

Monday, March 06, 2006 

Drunk guy asking for a push

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here... on the swing!" replies the drunk.

Your Gotta Love Drunks!

 

Drink Driving

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the Man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.
To his amazement theBreathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

 

Little Johnny Strikes Again...

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, " we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses."

 

The Sith Sense

http://www.sithsense.com/flash.htm

 

Superman

Superman was feeling bored after a long streak of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party, so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls.
Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Cat Woman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile on the bed, Wonder Woman said: "Did you hear something?"
"No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

Tuesday, February 07, 2006 

Dynamite

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him. He
takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you
have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 150 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder dresses and then chases
after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment
like
that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was."

 

Rum & Coke

Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Queenslander asked for a Bundy rum and Coke, which was brought
and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the priest if he
would like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and
said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

THE RABBIT AND THE BLONDE

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the
rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets
out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the
contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the
road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down
the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and
waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of
sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you
spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Friday, January 27, 2006 

Thoughts for 2006

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2006 (American based but quite relevant)

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather! It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

My name is TURNER BROWN

A skinny little Irish guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown".
The white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, by shaking him and asks, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?... Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!'"

 

Big Numbers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

Something to think about.

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?" The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."
Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and a few boys nodded approval, why not? So he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay as the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base.
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"
Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third"
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."
Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY:
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.
Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things."
So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up that opportunity to brighten the day of those with us the least able, and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats its least fortunate amongst them.

You now have two choices:
1. Do nothing
2. Forward (to forward click the little envelope at the bottom of this post)

May your day be a Shay Day sunny today & always!

 

A word from Kate

Today: The day AFTER Australia Day... Has been declared a national public holiday in some places around the country.

Employees have pointed out to the boss the lethal combination of a Friday combined with the-day-after-australia-day, which is obviously going to be a LOW PRODUCTIVITY day, so why not just skip coming to work at all?

To all of you who actually are at work, and therefore and lucky enough to receive this email, well guess you weren't as insightful as all those kicking back with nice cold beer today... and are probably as just as crazy as me sitting here at my desk,. All I can say is that you mob are true-blue hardworking Ozzies.

GOOD ON YER MATE!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006 

If men wrote advice columns...


(click on image to enlarge)

Monday, January 23, 2006 

American World

The world from an American point of view...

 

umm...









 

Headlines of the year

THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES OF 2004-5

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead



Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)



About me

  • I'm Meg
  • From NT, Australia
My profile

Current Terror Alert Level

Get it!




    Subscribe in NewsGator Online

    Subscribe in Rojo

    Add meggimoo to Newsburst from CNET News.com

    Add to Google



    Subscribe in Bloglines

    Add meggimoo to ODEO

    Subscribe in podnova


    Free Tell A Friend from Bravenet.com 

    Enter your Email


    Powered by FeedBlitz
Blogwise - blog directory Blog Directory & Search engine

Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates